(This should have come about one month before my previous post. But one month ago I was writing in my dairy instead of blogging, so I'm just copying from there. )
Day one... Two cells meet to become a child... Soon after, the formation of ever growing cells, starts developing and soon enough starts moving... There is a lot to say for the feeling of wonder when your baby first starts to kick... And like in the blink of an eye, that little human that started as two cells, is someone you can hold in your arms, you can touch... so tiny and so helpless... But fast, way too fast, the tiny bundle starts crawling, walking... Talking, having opinions and preferences of their own...
But that tiny person is still small, still helpless, still needy and sometimes is hard to remember that in that little body is a soul equally as old as anyone else's.
From the day I first held my oldest daughter, I have always been aware that while she was my child, she did not belonged to me, but to herself... I made a choice to have her and that resulted into the tremendous responsibility of teaching and offering the best that I knew in terms of wings. And when my second daughter came to be, I become too busy to use philosophy in looking after them. I loved them. I love them. I would have and still would jumped in fire or worse for either of them. I allowed them to be as much of their own person as I could have done. But somehow, between worry and lack of time, between bills to be paid and 3 lives to nurture, I forgot that my tiny tots were their own individual. Of course, I knew that they were their own persons so similar, and yet so different from any of us. As much as I could, I stopped to just look at them, with love and with pride...
Days become weeks, weeks become months, years... And all of a sudden, as a parent you realize you missed some of the signs... I wish I was a better parent, but I wasn't... All I know is that I have tried to offer my undivided attention to whoever needed it the most at any given time. If I could have divided myself in two, to always be there fully for each of my children, I would have done it, but it was not possible. So I turned my attention to the one I perceived as more week, as more in need...
So to one, I gave all the physical love she needed. To the other, I gave my attention and wisdom. Not that I regretted. She needed my wisdom to heal from a situation that I put her in... As a parent, as an adult, I was at my most happiest when I realized that from a child with no confidence and no belief in herself, I managed to stir her steps towards confidence, self love and self respect... And for that I am grateful, even if I know that there is so much more to do.
But in giving my all to the one that needed it most, I lost track of the other one. The one that needed cuddles and hugs, that needed to be held, but little else... And I gave her hugs, and cuddles... But I missed the signs to her development...
She was the strong one, the one that needed less... And by focusing on the one that needed most, I missed how the other one grew...
And all of a sudden, like a light going on in a dark room, I was faced with my little one, my strong one... Oh, I knew she was strong, stubborn, cute, lovable, funny, cuddly, smart, beautiful, quick tempered, sweet... I wasn't that blinded that I have not seen all of that... But there were still things about her that I missed... Like her determination, her ability of being honest not only to others, but to herself, her willingness to work hard, to go through whatever necessary to achieve her own goals... And as a parent, I regret not being able to see all of that...
Because one day, I was confronted with a face of this little person that has been around me since two cells met, that I just din not know... Because a person she is!
In the space of two weeks, my stubborn, temperamental child, showed me that behind her otherwise quiet personality, was a determined, ambitious, hard working, honest, wise person... In two weeks, I seen her choosing a goal, working with hard determination regardless of the pain in order to achieve the first step. I was amazed that something that 14 days ago seemed just the bumbling of a child, after only 6 days she attracted the attention of the one person able to help her in what was not her bumbling, but her dream... Oh, I have seen her working hard for one week, working extra, way extra... In a very quiet way, that I would have missed entirely if I wasn't paying attention... And in the last 4 days I realized that I had in front of me an individual worth of respect.
Oh... My baby took her first step in a road that will be long and hard... Step after step of insanely hard work to achieve a dream that many have tried for many tens of years...
How did I get from looking at her as my baby to looking at her as a person worthy of respect? I'm not sure. I guess it all started with seeing her courage... Her ability to really focus... Her hard, hard work... Day after day, the same quiet way, she worked harder then many adults... Without advice from any of the adults around her, she figured out a way to do what she wanted and do it well. Smart. Determined.
And yet, maybe I would have still believed that it was a childish dream, similar to what her older sister was saying... But tonight, after a two and a half hours of gruesome training, I teased her that I will tie up her legs in order to remember to keep them together in her exercises. I was only kidding. From the back of the car, her little, clear now voice, said '"maybe you should. What I want is hard and I need help"... It made me think. it made me wonder from where so much objectivity, and knowledge from a barely 5 year old that just started... And before I tucked her in bed, as I was hugging her tight and long as she always liked, she told me that she knows she didn't give her all today. She was a bit disappointed because while she understood the requirements properly, she decided to listen to a colleague that knew even less then she did. But she promised that next time, she will just focus and do her best. I told her I think she managed wonderfully, which she did, and that I don't need that promise. "But I do, mama. If I really want to be the second Nadia Comaneci, I need it... And if you can't buy the beam and bars to work extra at home, maybe you can help me with the other stuff that I need." My baby wasn't joking. It was not a tiny child talking. It was someone that chose a path, was realistic, way way mature and incredibly determined. Not to say ambitious. My baby decided to repeat perfection...
I respect her. Not only for her close to impossible dream, but because she is realistic and honest with herself. Because she is willing to work so hard for something many would treat as just a dream. Because she gives her all for the dream she chose.
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