Silence

For a while everything was silent in me. Not depression, just tiredness. As my own body tries to fight being ill, my soul had no wings to fly. For a while, I just allowed myself to go through the motions...

This year hit me hard... Too many things lost, too much pain and disappointment... In a way, I don't think I have been so low in a long time...

It is meant to be my birthday... But I just found out that my father has cancer... I am on the other side of the planet as I have been now for a third of my life... I hate the distance... I would give the world to be able to be there, next to him, to give him a hug... In the last year, as my own children started to grow into their own independent persons, I started to really understand and appreciate how lucky I am to have the parents I have. 

I don't know if my parents are proud of me, as I have done a pretty good job at messing up my own life, but I know that I am incredibly proud to be their daughter... The fact that I took the time to tell them so, to thank them for being my parents, to thank them for the lessons they taught me and the foundations they offered me, makes little difference now when all I want is to be there...

I feel like a lost child, which is ridiculous considering that my oldest daughter is nearly a teenager, but I still feel like a child that is lost. I banked on having my parents for many more years...

I jumped in the car feeling lost and sad and angry with life... Just the need to get out of my silent unit... if I had someone near, I could have done with a cuddle and with someone telling me that everything will be ok... But I don't...  Anyway, I jumped in the car with no idea where I was going to drive in the middle of the night... I ended up in one of the bush reserves by the water, so common in Sydney and ended up sitting on the grass...

Normally in rituals I look for the trimmings that help focus my attention, but I had no intention to do anything. So I just sat on the dew wet grass with the night sounds all around me... Started to breathe in an out, looking for the rhythm of the once familiar meditation. But I lost the habit so thoughts kept  twisting in my head for a while before I managed to find the silence within... In the months without magic, I forgot the silence, the peace and the power of the world and time outside of world and time... I don't know when my circle was created around me, holding me safely in a cocoon. Golden light around me, darkness within... But not the scary darkness of the night monsters. The safe protective darkness of the womb... I don't know how I raised the energy... I am not even sure if I had enough wisdom to raise it out of the Earth or if I was silly again to use all that I had, but when it started to sing powerfully in my veins, I simply released it all to my father... And then, with the last whispers, I bent down over the hospital bed, gave him a hug and told him I love him... I  don't know if he felt me and I know better then to ask...

But I pray to every spirit that he will be OK...