Where am I?

I sit sometimes, in the night shadows, as my children breathe slowly in their sleep, and with peace surrounding me, I feel lost. Not lost from the world, but lost from myself, disconnected for the ancient and pure core that is the Me behind all the smokes and mirrors. So often I play dancing between smoke, between mirrors, hidden behind elaborate masks...

There is the mask of the Mother, the one that freely gives even when there is nothing left to give. The Mother that sacrifices and has all the answers, the one that has to protect and support. The one that gives power and puts wings on someone else dreams. And yet, behind the mask, in the mirror, as the clock strikes midnight, there is just a woman that has no answers, who's wisdom lies scattered, the woman who is unsure and has insecurities.

There is the mask of the Daughter that tries to be an example, and yet, in the mirror is just a young child, still scared of the dark. And there is the mask of the Woman, powerful and free, secure and passionate. The Woman that can laugh when she feels like crying, the one that offers support to all and has none when she herself needs it.

There is the mask of the Artist who hides behind a lens capturing the glimpse and short lived glimmer of beauty. Again the Artist has all the answers and composure, while inside, way beyond the lens, sometimes wonders what for or if it even matters...

The mask of the Witch, ancient in her wisdom, with a scared child hiding inside knowing that her only wisdom is in knowing those things she does not know.

So many masks, so many mirrors to get lost behind! And sometimes, as the night lengthens deeper and deeper, the masks fall and the mirrors are covered in smoke, leaving just another shadow of the presence. Because the fear is not the real face of that which hides from all, either. And knowing that, I wonder when and how did I get so lost that I can't anymore find Adriana's thread to get out of the labyrinth I willingly stepped in.

Sometimes I catch glimpses of what once was. The freedom, the power, the dreams and the answers, once they were real, they were me. But somewhere along the way, I shed layer upon layer of my self until only shadows were left. And when I found a glimmer of power to see the shadow of my former self, I longed for it enough to try and recreate it. With not enough power to thread back to find the true layers, was easier to knit them as a spider web. Real in itself, they are yet nothing but copies and sometimes they get too heavy to carry around. And then, in the middle of the night, I can put them all in a corner, and curl weeping and screaming, cursing the day I chose the illusion over the wisdom, crying for all that which is forever lost, the innocence, the hopes, the dreams, the trust...

Because maybe more then anything, the child in me, when it gets lost in a world of illusions, wants nothing more then the ability to trust again, herself and others. It all started with trust and it all ended when the trust was broken, and the child in me, longs so much to trust herself again.

And finally, when all the fear and sorrow are spent in bitter tears, when longings are released to the waves of blue rivers, when dreams are fully released in the ether, and hopes mourned in the ever green earth, when the innocence is grieved and fed to the flames, when nothing is left but yet another empty shell, I can stand up, knowing that from no power I find the power to face another day, from weakness I find strength. Because, when the shell is empty of ego, only then, can I see that I am strong only because I am weak, I am powerful only because I have no power, I can laugh because I know how to cry, I can smile only because I have known sorrow, I am beautiful because I have faults... Because only then can I lift myself up, holding heaven and earth, water and fire, being spirit filled with a divine spark... I might still not know where am I, or even what in the world am I doing, but at least then, only then I can admit to myself that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, and that frees me to open to another experience and yet another lesson, that frees me to be myself and free...