A Little Light, A Little Magic

It was meant to be simple. Something I had done countless times before, even before I knew what I was doing. Something I learned to control and use at will. As a daughter, as a friend, as a mother, as a stranger at times, I used the gift again and again, time after time, to sooth and to help.

Why have the gift if not to use it when someone needs it? No thought involved. Just the calling and the reply. No danger lurking. There is help, there is answer and soothing, and there are barriers which you simply don't cross. It was meant to be just as simple. Soothing pain away was something I always did, at the beginning with no skill and very little magic, later, as I learned more about my gift, with more magic and less consequences.

Someone was in pain and the woman, the witch in me, responded. Harm none. Do not manipulate. The only rules I live my life by, the only rules I would not break. As a woman I responded with touch and kindness. As a witch, I responded as I know best. Open up, do not intrude, let the energy flow, knowing that the other, unaware will just be able to use the light to the best of his soul. As I was offering nothing else but light and understanding, nothing else but wisdom and hope, as I was only offering the undiluted energy of the Universe, it seemed simple, easy, just, right, safe...


So I opened up. And maybe that was the first mistake, as by now I am skilled enough to offer energy without leaving myself open. My second mistake was opening up without checking first how open the other person was. Or maybe I just knew it and in a moment of blindness I thought it mattered not. I am trying to understand what happened, using logic as a microscope, and the understanding eludes me.

Somehow I opened up completely and I let pure love pour through me. Initially my senses were assaulted by pain, pain so deep it made me reel. Pain and sorrow, sadness and sacrifice, regret... A wave of undiluted pain... In that total compassion and empathy, I still had enough reason left to not intrude, to not look at the cause... And then the time stopped and the world vanished... There was nothing left, nothing but two souls touching, connecting... Losing their boundaries and reaching out towards an unity so perfect, so full, so round... I have no idea for how long did we remain lost into each other's eyes, with arms loosely wrapped in a friendly embrace... It could have been seconds, or the eternity. I would not know because it was in a place beyond time and physical space, in a space that was nothingness and yet the sum of all that there is.  I can't even put into human words what I felt beyond the pain: recognition, wonder, unity, home, peace, surprise... Perfection... Two souls touching and meshing... We pulled apart... with a longing that should not have been there between two near strangers...

I look back and I am able to understand that somehow we were both completely open, naked of all defenses... And that none of us closed the connection... There was power there, more power then I ever experienced. Mine skilled, his unskilled, but power nerveless...

Later, experiencing his emotions as clearly as mine, even though, thankfully not his thoughts as well, I told myself that I just soaked part of his emotions. Cleansing should have been easy, simple, basic... Again something I do as easy as breathing nowadays... But it wasn't. No amount of meditation, charkra cleansing, earth connecting, helped... My own emotions, his emotions were not two separate things anymore... Ended up going to sleep, hoping I will find a solution... Only to wake up realizing that whatever happened, it was more, much more  then just soaking up like a sponge someone else's emotions. Somehow I lost the edges to my soul...

And that is something I had never experienced before. I have no idea how to close something that became part of my very being, no idea how to separate the me from this another, and it confuses me because I can not putting into its own little box with a clear label. Maybe the witch in me has seen or recognized something more, but the woman in me has no idea what that is...