Dark

Night... Dark as nights filled with promises, dark as secrets that are better left untold, dark as hopes that have no right to exist, dark as pleasure... Dark like a night when the moon does not shine, and yet is so alive... Dark as the time of no being, so mysterious and yet so safe...

I love the vibrancy of sun, the life and joy of it, and yet the dark attracts me, like a whisper, like a mystery that wants to be unraveled... There is life in that dark, a life harder to see beyond the veils, a life filled with mystery and magic... In the dark I can get lost and nothing else can exist. The time stretches, then stops, the world ceases and there is nothing left but that sea of night that drowns me, exhilarates me, scares me and soothes me... A sea that gives life to dreams I thought I left behind, a sea that stirs something in my soul that was better left asleep...

And yet, I am attracted to the night, attracted enough to throw caution to the wind and allow myself to be carried on the waves to wherever they need to take me. I try to tell myself that I have a choice, that I am still the master of my destiny, and I can hear the Gods laughing at me... I know that beyond the dark there is joy and pain alike, but the veils are too thick and I can not see on which side is the joy, on which side is the pain, and all that I know is that on this particular journey the two are interlinked, that accepting one I have to accept the other, and it is not what I want... It is not a journey I am taking willingly, more so as for once my instincts choose to be silent...

I am so used to listen to my instincts, so used to have them as an aid in my decisions, and without it I feel lost... Just trust that the Gods know better then I do? Oh yeah, on a rational level, I know that, as well as I know that each journey just makes me stronger, wiser, that each lesson is a blessing... But I look into the dark and I wonder at the promise, I let myself seduced by the mystery... And yet, even when it is too late, I don't want to step further onto this road, I am reluctant to make this particular journey...

My human arrogance screams that it is too fast, too soon, not what I want or need... I don't want to change yet again, I don't want to tilt my world again, and I know without doubt that at the end of this journey, regardless of what I end up finding following the rainbow in the dark, I will be changed and for the first time I am scared of change...

How the Gods must be laughing! Me, who always welcomed and thrived on challenges, me who is always willing to change and grow, me who stepped with courage in the crazy dance of the unexpected, I sit on the edge of the dark, still able to see a glimmer of light, too scared to step further because the road is not marked, because it is a completely new journey with no safety nets, because my instincts are silent, because I am requested to put my full trust into the Gods hands, with no guarantees and no reassurances... Just trust and go with the flow, the Gods are saying... So simple, so easy! Just trust!

I can't just trust, just let myself carried into a world where logic does not apply... Just trust! And that is the hardest thing in the world for one such as me, because I lost my trust long ago... And yet, the pull of that dark night it is more powerful then me... Like a mermaid's song that calls and pulls, it waves around me until my will is nothing and no choice is left except to go under the waves and let them take me to an unknown destination...