Technology

I live in a world surrounded by technology. Even now, as I am sitting in front of my computer, I have a smart phone and an iPad on my desk. My eleven year old daughter has an iPad, an iPod and a smart phone. I look at it and sometimes I wonder...

I close my eyes and I remember a world without technology, a world of old fashion phones that could be slammed with satisfaction, a world in which my friends would simply knock on the door, knowing they will be welcome anytime. And part of me smiles sadly looking at my children that do not know the satisfaction of just knocking on someone's door and the joy of finding them home.

What does technology means for me? The luxury of seeing my parents' faces when I speak to them from continents away. It is a luxury I did not always have in the days of insanely expensive overseas phone calls and long waited for letters. And yet, sometimes I miss the excitement of opening my post box to find a letter hidden between bills and more bills. I miss the excitement of ripping open that envelope that has travelled thousands of miles just to carry the thoughts of someone I love, of turning the pages of that letter and following the lines written by a hand I know so well.

I close my eyes and I remember being one of the first of my generation to leave my homeland to seek my future in other parts of the world and in an age without the technology we have today, it was easy to feel lost and broken away from everything I held dear. Years passed and one day, with couple of clicks on my computer I was able to check on people I had lost to the roads of life. Sometimes we chat, we people that used to be friends a lifetime ago. And yet, sometimes I wonder how would it be to just hear their voices.

Today, with couple of clicks on my phone, I am able to see my parents' house, too see them walking in the yard, and the possibility of it is bitter sweet, because while I can see it and while for a second it settles down the longing, I am not really there. Today, due to technology my parents can see their granddaughters and be seen by them, even though my girls still miss them and my parents cry for all those things they miss.

For me, technology is that one thing that makes living at the end of the Earth bearable, barely. Many times, late at night when sleep eludes me, I think of all those people that came to this land, or to others, generations ago, before computers and fast internet connections, and I shiver at the idea that on a lucky day they had to wait half a year to receive a reply to a letter sent. I am blessed to live in the world we live in today, because without it I would be truly lost from all I love.

Another Christmas

I can feel another Christmas coming, with quick steps full of joy and jingle... I can see it approaching in the decorations that appear everywhere like flowers in the spring sun... I can feel it coming, and my soul lifts in joy... I remember the Christmases that passed, sweet days of my far away childhood, and I smile when the smells of another world surround me. The sweet, fresh smell of a real pine tree on a cold winter night, my mother's cooking, a symphony of flavour... I can hear the simple, uncomplicated laughter of the children we once were... The adult in me smiles and looks forward to recreating the magic...

With my children, I take out of a neat box the big, green pine tree we use every year and I long for the perfume of a real one, with little green needles pricking my fingers... Out of more boxes, we take out the new decorations we had just bought to make some imaginary colour scheme and from the iPod dock, carols in a language that sings not to my soul spill into the room combined with my children's laughter... Hanging the decorations in the tree, plastic globes instead of the fragile glass ones of my childhood, however, is it so similar that if I close my eyes, I can hear my parents and my siblings in those far away years...

With the tree decorated, taking advantage of the long daylight of the Australian summer, my children go off to play outside, and left home alone, I change the playlist on the iPod to another, still carols, but in a language that comes from my blood and I sit there, on the floor, looking at the blinking lights in the tree, and at fist I smile... For few seconds, I can keep up the illusion of being home...

I look out of the window at the colourful birds playing on my flowering balcony and further still at the green bush and the deep blue sky of summer and the sweet illusion shatters leaving me frozen... I am not home... There is no winter night with snowflakes falling in a mad ballet from the sky, there is no boiled wine with sugar and spices, no fire roaring wildly under terracotta tiles... No children singing carols at the gate... No family...

The longing squeezes my heart painfully, so painfully I can hardly even breathe and a sad, lonely tear falls on my cheek... With quick, pounding steps, guilt follows longing... Locked in a world on the other side of the planet, I am depriving my parents of having their only grandchildren around the Christmas tree, I am depriving my siblings of having their nieces... I am depriving my children of their family and their traditions... Guilt hammers at my heart and it melts again in longing...

I have friends... On Christmas Eve I shall have countless presents under the tree, a house full of friends and a table full of those dishes that on the other side of the planet my mother would be cooking... Same perfumes, same flavours, same laughter floating around my house... But I wont have my parents and my siblings... I wont have children singing carols at the door and snow falling in front of my windows...

In my blood, I will feel the bitter cold of a winter's night and the painful wind that calls me from afar... In my heart I will feel the longing for my singing language...

I sit there on the floor, watching our blinking tree, listening to the carols of my land, and the tears start falling down my face, a bitter river of regret and longing...

Will I ever get used to a Christmas in summer? Will I ever get used to Christmas without my parents and my siblings? Without my language flowing around the table? One would think so. I have spent a third of my life in Australia now... It is home now, this country I had made my own... But at Christmas, my blood calls and my heart longs for... my own...

Family

As life runs by in a mad rush, there are moments when you forget, when you stop thinking, and it is easier somehow... Stolen by life and separated my many ocean miles, you forget what it means to have a family around.

Because there is no other choice, if you want to keep going day after day, you turn the key on the memory box that contains all the shared laughter and moments of joy, all the touching smiles of true belonging, all those arguments, all the years that passed by when you could be simply fully accepted just for being you. You forget, or try to forget what it means to not have to prove yourself every moment of the day, what it means not to be judged and what it means to be loved for the simple fact that you are there, part of an unity.

There are days, like birthdays and holidays, when you remember the unity that once existed, and your heart squeezes painfully, and you turn the key harder, not to let the memories fly, because it is too hard to live in what it was and is no more, in what it could have been only if...

And sometimes, across the years and across the seas, you get the incredible chance to hold tight that which once you had. You remember that one night from long ago when you sat under the lit Christmas tree with your brother, talking and dreaming of the future... You remember the snow ball fights and the laughter... You remember fighting with your sister for clothes and your mother's cooking... You remember those days when you locked horns with your father for the simple because you were a teenager... The Sunday meals... So many memories of family...

When you are young, too busy looking towards the future, you rarely appreciate the love and the trust, the acceptance and friendship that hold a family together. And then, life takes you away, and you see each other rarely, for short periods of time. You wait on a busy airport with your heart beating faster with each second that passes, with a smile of happiness and anticipation on your lips, until you see your sister or your brother, your mother or your father. Years fly away, and as you throw yourself in their arms, holding them tight, you are a child again, life and distance forgotten.

Together, every second maters, every minute is held tight in the memory to last forever, every hour is filled. With laughter, you remember the fights you had as a child, you remember the times of bonding. After years of having real time together, you look one at another, and your eyes can not move away. Some things changed, as you had changed from the child you once were, and yet others remain the same, despite the passage of time. The teasing and the jokes, the comfort, the love and support.

And all too soon the day comes when you drive back towards the same airport, with your heart squeezed painfully for another good bye. Recent and old memories fly through your mind. You try to prolong the moment, to hold tight for one more hug and one more kiss, for on more photo that is biter sweet. You try to say good bye quickly because you know that the tears will start falling...

For a while, you had your family, or a member of your family close again, and you remembered what it means to be part of that unique unity again. The simple trust you have with the people of your blood, the belonging, the roots, the love... You remember that you are not alone, but part of a greater whole, and your soul longs for it, longs even more when the seconds are more precious then diamonds...

You go back towards you home, towards the life you live day after day, and you feel empty and lost... The house and the streets are full of ghostly memories, your home feels as empty as a desert and you long even more for the oasis of the family, never knowing when you will have the chance to be together again, and being grateful for every second you had, appreciating that unity even more so, because it is missing again...

And when your child wakes up in the middle of the night, whispering sadly that they are missing their uncle or aunt, their grandmother or grandfather, when your child looks around and says that the house is empty and they feel as lost as you do, you feel like howling...

Parenting

My oldest daughter, little miss 9, went to her first camp for a week. She was a little bit nervous and very excited. I am happy and proud of her, but a little part of me is sad. My baby girl is growing into a little lady and with each passing month her wings are extending further and further, preparing her for the day when she will just fully fly towards life. There is pride in seeing my daughter grow, but there is also sadness, for these years, when she is still a child are flying by too fast.

I guess that from now on I will end standing by, watching her travel on her own road more and more, waving to her and praying for her safety, knowing that I will always await her return... And there will always be those questions that only the passing of years can answer. Have I done a god enough job teaching her the necessary skills to navigate the twisted roads of life? Have I taught her all that she needs to know in order to grow into a decent, kind, loving, independent, strong adult? Did I teach her how to be happy and how to stay safe? Only time will answer.

But waiving at her, watching her take these steps towards independence and self awareness, watching her grow more and more into her own person, apart from me, fills me with pride, and in the same time with sadness and fear. Fear for her safety, fear of not having taught her the skills she needs, and sadness because I am losing my baby for this little beautiful miniature lady that fills my heart with pride.

In a way, it was easier when they were just tiny little babies that only needed love and care and cleaning. Yes, the sleepless nights were torture, teething a feverish nightmare, and at the time I thought that things could not get much harder. But looking back, it was simple and easy. Or at least, easier then the many questions that plague me as they grow. How much freedom to give them and in what conditions? How much information is the right amount? How to teach them to be independent while making sure they stay safe? When to say yes and when to say no? As they grow more and more into miniature adults, there are so many shades and so many nuances, so many twisting paths that need to be navigated by them, but also by you, as a parent. And it is scary.

It gets harder and harder to stand by and watch them growing and making mistakes, knowing they will inevitably get hurt and there is only so little you, as the parent can do. Yes, you can be there with advice, if and when it is required, with love even when it is not wanted and a shoulder for when it is needed, knowing that you can never fully shelter them, that you can't fix everything for them. And knowing that some things they need to learn for themselves, that they need to make mistakes in order to grow, it only makes it more confusing. If you as a parent shelter them too much and lift every weight of their tiny shoulders, they will never grow into the independent, responsible adults they need to grow into for their own wellbeing. But on the other hand, it makes your heart bleed to see they crying because a friend hurt them, or because they ran too fast and their knees are bleeding. Yes, you know that they absolutely need to learn to deal with the friend that hurt them, you know that you will not be able to be there to shout warnings, but it still makes your heart bleed. And when they start walking on their own road, flying in their own skies, your heart is squeezed tight by pried and by fear.

My mother told me once, when I was crying to her after three nights with no sleep when my daughter was couple of months old, that small children mean small problems and big children mean big problems. I did not understand it then, and part of me thought that it can not get any worse. But now, when the sleepless nights because of a baby's cry are a memory, there are other things, other worries that keep me up at night, the problems are more complex, the roles more blurry, and with every year passing it gets harder to figure out what is the right thing for them, the children that are growing. Oh, there is an amazing beauty in it, in seeing them extending their wings, but the needs are different and less clearly marked, and as a parent you can not wonder if you manage to have the wisdom necessary, the forward thinking and the ability to really see how every little thing might develop into something else. And there is so much pride for them when under your eyes they learn how to navigate pot holes and they start being little wise people! Your heart melts and squeezes, grows and beats faster, with a love that keeps growing as they grow themselves.

As my daughter grows towards her teenage years, and later towards an adult, I find myself second guessing my every move more and more, even as I am more and more proud of her. And it also makes me look at my own parents with a new understanding of the fears they must have had, of the journey they took to bring us up into the grown ups that we are, and it makes me respect more the sacrifices they made, day after day, so quietly that I never really saw it until I had become a parent myself.

A Jar of Mustard

Another Christmas is approaching with fast, noisy steps... And like every other Christmas for the last ten years, my heart bleeds with longing...

Yes, I have my children and my friends in this country where I had build a home away from home, but it is not home. There is no snow like a white blanket covering the Earth, there are no snowflakes dancing in the air in a frosty night... There are no children knocking on the door to sing carols old as time, there are no bells from snow carriages pulled by horses... And more then anything else, I don't have my parents and my siblings with me to decorate the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve, joking and singing and drinking boiled wine with cinnamon... There is none of my mother's cooking, and no laughter in the kitchen as more and more dishes are prepared...

Another Christmas is coming, and my heart bleeds for all of those lost things that I had barely noticed once... I dream of the old decorations that went up a real fir tree, that smelled of winter and forest, those decorations that were taken out of dusty boxes year after year... I dream of my father putting the star on top of the tree and the laughter as we tried to untangle the lights... I dream of sitting next to the tree with my brother, late into the night, and talking about the year that has passed and the hopes for the year to come... My mum pretending to be Santa late after dark on Christmas Eve and the jokes and teasing as presents were unwrapped... I even miss the crazy days of cleaning the house, before the crazy days of cooking with my mum, before the decorated table nearly breaking under the weight of all those dishes...   I miss siting with my mum and discussing the Christmas menu, pondering over each dish... I miss the carols on old LP disks...

After ten years away from Christmas, I miss it more then anything... Yes, in this home away from home, I made the Christmas tree at the beginning of December with my daughters... The tree is plastic and the decorations mostly new... And the carols played on YouTube, in English, chosen by my eldest daughter... Yes, I had made the menu with my daughter, as once upon a time my mother did with me... And yes, I went to the craziness of cleaning, and buying presents, and buying all the ingredients for the feast to come... But I had done it on my own, without the laughter I once shared, as I will do all the cooking... And yes, presents will be unwrapped under the tree, with laughter and hopefully delight, and there will be a dinner feast with lots of foods... And in between those dishes, there will be some, highly inappropriate for the hot Australian summer, that remind me of home, those dishes that will find their way on the table of every other family in my far away land... But it is not home...

As I will be cooking, my soul will be longing for my mother's kitchen, and my father's jokes as he photographs the dishes, and my brother's hunger, and my sister's beauty... I will be cooking and I will dream again, for yet another year, of doing it for my entire family, daughters and parents and siblings...

But I can never have my Christmas at home, no matter how much my soul longs for it...

Today, with an over full shopping trolley, as I was dashing madly from one shop to another with a typed up list in my hand, I stopped at the butchers... And I saw a jar of mustard... The colors reminded me of the one my mother buys, and I looked closer... And looked again at the writing, not daring to believe... But yes, the writing was in the language of my childhood... And I picked it up, still not daring to believe, and looked again... It was indeed made there, high up in my mountains... I could feel my smile creeping on my tired face... It was home. A tiny, tiny piece of home... I might not have my loved ones close, I might not have the carols of my childhood, or the puffy and cold white snow, there might not be any children knocking on my door, but along with my daughters and my memories, I will have this little piece of home... And as I will be mixing that mustard in the dishes I am cooking, I will have something of home into it... And it does bring my family closer... Just a tiny bit...

Somehow, from all the presents that will find their way under my tree, this simple jar of mustard is the best present I could have found in this land where I had built my home... Because it is a piece of the home of my soul, the home I am longing for, painfully, every Christmas... I could have never believed that I will find happiness in a jar of mustard... But for me, it made Christmas more real... more Christmas...

A Little Light, A Little Magic

It was meant to be simple. Something I had done countless times before, even before I knew what I was doing. Something I learned to control and use at will. As a daughter, as a friend, as a mother, as a stranger at times, I used the gift again and again, time after time, to sooth and to help.

Why have the gift if not to use it when someone needs it? No thought involved. Just the calling and the reply. No danger lurking. There is help, there is answer and soothing, and there are barriers which you simply don't cross. It was meant to be just as simple. Soothing pain away was something I always did, at the beginning with no skill and very little magic, later, as I learned more about my gift, with more magic and less consequences.

Someone was in pain and the woman, the witch in me, responded. Harm none. Do not manipulate. The only rules I live my life by, the only rules I would not break. As a woman I responded with touch and kindness. As a witch, I responded as I know best. Open up, do not intrude, let the energy flow, knowing that the other, unaware will just be able to use the light to the best of his soul. As I was offering nothing else but light and understanding, nothing else but wisdom and hope, as I was only offering the undiluted energy of the Universe, it seemed simple, easy, just, right, safe...


So I opened up. And maybe that was the first mistake, as by now I am skilled enough to offer energy without leaving myself open. My second mistake was opening up without checking first how open the other person was. Or maybe I just knew it and in a moment of blindness I thought it mattered not. I am trying to understand what happened, using logic as a microscope, and the understanding eludes me.

Somehow I opened up completely and I let pure love pour through me. Initially my senses were assaulted by pain, pain so deep it made me reel. Pain and sorrow, sadness and sacrifice, regret... A wave of undiluted pain... In that total compassion and empathy, I still had enough reason left to not intrude, to not look at the cause... And then the time stopped and the world vanished... There was nothing left, nothing but two souls touching, connecting... Losing their boundaries and reaching out towards an unity so perfect, so full, so round... I have no idea for how long did we remain lost into each other's eyes, with arms loosely wrapped in a friendly embrace... It could have been seconds, or the eternity. I would not know because it was in a place beyond time and physical space, in a space that was nothingness and yet the sum of all that there is.  I can't even put into human words what I felt beyond the pain: recognition, wonder, unity, home, peace, surprise... Perfection... Two souls touching and meshing... We pulled apart... with a longing that should not have been there between two near strangers...

I look back and I am able to understand that somehow we were both completely open, naked of all defenses... And that none of us closed the connection... There was power there, more power then I ever experienced. Mine skilled, his unskilled, but power nerveless...

Later, experiencing his emotions as clearly as mine, even though, thankfully not his thoughts as well, I told myself that I just soaked part of his emotions. Cleansing should have been easy, simple, basic... Again something I do as easy as breathing nowadays... But it wasn't. No amount of meditation, charkra cleansing, earth connecting, helped... My own emotions, his emotions were not two separate things anymore... Ended up going to sleep, hoping I will find a solution... Only to wake up realizing that whatever happened, it was more, much more  then just soaking up like a sponge someone else's emotions. Somehow I lost the edges to my soul...

And that is something I had never experienced before. I have no idea how to close something that became part of my very being, no idea how to separate the me from this another, and it confuses me because I can not putting into its own little box with a clear label. Maybe the witch in me has seen or recognized something more, but the woman in me has no idea what that is...

Dark

Night... Dark as nights filled with promises, dark as secrets that are better left untold, dark as hopes that have no right to exist, dark as pleasure... Dark like a night when the moon does not shine, and yet is so alive... Dark as the time of no being, so mysterious and yet so safe...

I love the vibrancy of sun, the life and joy of it, and yet the dark attracts me, like a whisper, like a mystery that wants to be unraveled... There is life in that dark, a life harder to see beyond the veils, a life filled with mystery and magic... In the dark I can get lost and nothing else can exist. The time stretches, then stops, the world ceases and there is nothing left but that sea of night that drowns me, exhilarates me, scares me and soothes me... A sea that gives life to dreams I thought I left behind, a sea that stirs something in my soul that was better left asleep...

And yet, I am attracted to the night, attracted enough to throw caution to the wind and allow myself to be carried on the waves to wherever they need to take me. I try to tell myself that I have a choice, that I am still the master of my destiny, and I can hear the Gods laughing at me... I know that beyond the dark there is joy and pain alike, but the veils are too thick and I can not see on which side is the joy, on which side is the pain, and all that I know is that on this particular journey the two are interlinked, that accepting one I have to accept the other, and it is not what I want... It is not a journey I am taking willingly, more so as for once my instincts choose to be silent...

I am so used to listen to my instincts, so used to have them as an aid in my decisions, and without it I feel lost... Just trust that the Gods know better then I do? Oh yeah, on a rational level, I know that, as well as I know that each journey just makes me stronger, wiser, that each lesson is a blessing... But I look into the dark and I wonder at the promise, I let myself seduced by the mystery... And yet, even when it is too late, I don't want to step further onto this road, I am reluctant to make this particular journey...

My human arrogance screams that it is too fast, too soon, not what I want or need... I don't want to change yet again, I don't want to tilt my world again, and I know without doubt that at the end of this journey, regardless of what I end up finding following the rainbow in the dark, I will be changed and for the first time I am scared of change...

How the Gods must be laughing! Me, who always welcomed and thrived on challenges, me who is always willing to change and grow, me who stepped with courage in the crazy dance of the unexpected, I sit on the edge of the dark, still able to see a glimmer of light, too scared to step further because the road is not marked, because it is a completely new journey with no safety nets, because my instincts are silent, because I am requested to put my full trust into the Gods hands, with no guarantees and no reassurances... Just trust and go with the flow, the Gods are saying... So simple, so easy! Just trust!

I can't just trust, just let myself carried into a world where logic does not apply... Just trust! And that is the hardest thing in the world for one such as me, because I lost my trust long ago... And yet, the pull of that dark night it is more powerful then me... Like a mermaid's song that calls and pulls, it waves around me until my will is nothing and no choice is left except to go under the waves and let them take me to an unknown destination...