Long Lost

I remember a time when I did not know I was free and yet I was more so then ever after. I remember of time of innocence when everything was possible and dreams had no strings to tie them up to the Earth I belong to. If I allow myself to go down on the memory lane, I can still feel the magic and the promises, I can still feel my soul stirring towards new boundaries...

I remember a young woman, no more a child and in the same time not yet a woman, walking in a summer afternoon towards a dusty library where stories from afar were waiting to be discovered. And later, in the green grass, under the deep blue sky, protected by my mountains, I could get lost in stories that belonged to other times and other places. I was trying then, in those long summers of freedom, to understand love and responsibility, morals and histories, winner and looser. And in those long ago summers everything was black and white, with clear posts to announce the ways, with boundaries that could not be crossed.

Little did I know that nothing was so clear, that in order to pay for my dreams I had to let scattered pieces of my heart. Little did I know then that good can result in bad, or that I will ever be grateful of the moments of sorrow... No matter what dusty books were saying, everything was simple for me then...

And yet, as other summers passed on the journey of no return, the days got shorter and the summers shrunk away in a never ending circle of decision making... I thought then, so long ago, that love can conquer everything... But no story went far enough to show me what happens when love dies away and one is faced with wrong over wrong decisions... I thought that faced with love was a blessing that I wished for... And even after I had my heart broken in million little pieces, I still wished for love...

I did not know then that love an heal equally as much as it can destroy... Little did I know that most of the good deeds I was doing to offer would be recognized in sorrow and betrayal... Little did I know that gods would change for me and with them my illusions would be lost...

And now, when summers fly away with me barely aware that yet another year is gone, I find myself grateful for the sorrow that strengthened my soul, grateful for having my heart broken to the point f having to rebuild it, grateful for every new beginning that was an ending in itself... And yet, with the wisdom of today, I miss the long lost summers with their freedom and not knowing...