Thursday, 22 December 2011

Low and High

Lately I felt low, down, melting into the hot asphalt with no power left to pull myself up. Usually it is easy for me to find enough joy in little things to pull myself out from the hole my soul chooses to hide in. But not lately.

I allowed stress to eat away at me as it used to in long ago past days. I allowed myself to be dragged into situations I promised myself I will never be again. Maybe I needed a reminder or maybe I just forgot. Once I went down, everything else came crashing. Black thoughts of not being good enough, black thoughts of self loathing. I forgot that the me I am needed love, self love as much as everyone else around me. Giving without replenishing myself left me empty and lost.

I forgot about my connection to the Universe, I forgot about myself. Give, give, give with no moment of peace, because peace resides in myself and carelessly I threw it away.

And empty, without the cane of support I used to offer myself, I got dragged deeper and deeper in a world without light or darkness. The ever judging ego screams at me that I should have known better. That I have enough experience not to be fooled by illusions. And yet, at those moments, I knew no better.

Everything happens for a reason, or so my lucid contemplation of my life says. Maybe if I did not allow myself to go so down, I would have paid no attention to the screams of my body. Just maybe. A million hammers pounding in my head would have been hard to ignore. Or maybe I would have succeeded in keeping my ego busy enough not to notice. I am good at being busy and filling every moment to the max. But usually I am aware of it and I admit that to myself enough to give my mind, body and soul a break. Not this time. And because I was too down to really care about anything else, I got the chance to hear my body crying me, me. And the chance to observe myself eating pain killers like lollies.

Not that I like tablets. The only tablets I like are the very old ones, made of earth or stone that the ancients used instead of paper. But when I am busy, it is easy to forget or ignore exactly how many I swallow to push myself through yet another day filled to the brim. But with my ego hurt enough to be down, I could pay attention to the rest.

To how my body felt like after a night of carrying rocks. How my head hurt like being pounded by hammers. How sick I was.

I am arrogant. Arrogant enough not to accept the fact that one of the only things I take for granted might give up on me and yell for me to stop. Arrogant enough to say that all is good when it is not so. Arrogant enough to think that I am invincible.

But I am not. And for once, I did the right thing by my body. Low enough to not want to do anything else except mopping around saying poor me, I noticed how I chewed on codeine and ibuprofen, one after another until I managed to get rid of the plaguing headaches, but to feel even more sick then before. I went to the doctor, a thing that I normally avoid. Cleansing my chakras, connecting to the Universe is enough for me to be OK, so doctors are rare in my life. Better said, I only visit one when I am threatened and bullied into it. Not that I am against doctors. I take my kids to them often enough.

Long story short, after enough of my poor me I'm fine but I'm not routine, I ended up going to one. I am wise enough to have known in big part the whys of feeling so sick. I was proved right in terms of why. My ego can take satisfaction in that. But in the same time, I was reduced to a whiny child when I found out I left it going for long enough to put my own life in danger. Prime example of arrogance. So, I am not fine. As a matter of fact, without doping myself with medications, I will never be fine.

Not a pleasant thought at the best of times. For me, arrogant and proud to never admit exactly how hard things are, it is even more so. But it does hurt and quite plainly I don't like it. It could have been worse. No matter how bad things are, they can always be worse, and I was never that arrogant as not to see that. So while I do count my lucky stars and everyone that bullied me into checking it, it is still hard. Hard enough to make me mop around even more. Poor me. I will never be healthy again. Poor me, my life as I knew it is over. If I am to be honest, my life as I knew it was over about one year ago. Or maybe more. But it still does not change the fact that until not long ago my well stocked medicine cabinet was never used.

I am happy not to take pain killers as lollies. And as much as I could, I did avoid it. But not in a wise way. Ok, I am sick. I will always be sick if I don't take a handful of pills a day. Brrr... Boo hoo... It still did not change the fact that I was doing my Christmas shopping feeling very sorry for myself. To make things worse, my feet clad in dainty high heels, were killing me after hours of walking in them. Another reason to feel even more sorry for myself.

As I was walking around the very pretty and modern shopping center, pushing the full trolley ahead of me, I stopped my a stall. So many delicate and beautiful things, made from heart. Admiring them, a shadow of a smile played on the corner of my lips. As I turned to go, something turned my head one last time. In front of me, in the same place I looked three times before, a lovely jade set of runes. I am a Witch, even though a stupid one at times. Maybe not stupid. Just arrogant enough to be stupid. Anything mystical attracts me like a bee to a flower. Did I mention that I actually dislike jade? I do. It is the only crystal I can not stand. But today, looking at it, I did not see the prejudice I carry around. All I have seen was a beautiful set of stones, hand carved and hand inscribed. 

I don't know if it is beautiful. For me, as I seen it with electric light playing on the inch long piece of rocks, emanating a light of their own, so pure, they were magical. Magical enough to zap me to reality. With a smile on my face, I accepted that some people are worse then the worst. I also accepted that I am sick. No hiding around, no dumb rebellion, no poor me. I am sick. Bravo. Done. Said and accepted. But that does not change the light inside of me, inside the jade I truly seen for the first time in that brief look. It does not changes who or what I am. I am still a mother, a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover. I still love the sun shine playing on green leaves between the clouds. I still take photos, I still read my books... I am the same. Still me.

Holding the runes, the jade I felt love for that first time, it daunted on me that I still love the same things, just maybe with another layer of understanding. And I still love myself, no matter what changes. The light inside the jade, the magic of the runes, entered my soul and reflected all around me, in my connection to the Universe that was still perfect. That will always be perfect. In forgetting to love myself, I automatically forgot to love the All around me.  Falling in love with a piece of All was falling in love again with the All, including myself. Magic will always be around me as long as I accept it, as long as I want it.

With a smile shining on my face, I knew happiness. True happiness that comes from openly loving. And with love, hope and trust, acceptance and power weave together again to form happiness. 

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